One limp forward and two limps back

I fear I am undergoing a bit of a a relapse. This is a dark time for me and I queried whether I should share it since i try to keep the blog a fairly realistic reflection of what I'm feeling with a positive slant. However, I know other CFSers or people with CFS related conditions read this on and off, and I think it's important that thy know they are not alone in their dark days. Also, I've been reading Jessica Thom's book, Welcome To Biscuitland, which details a year in the life of someone with Tourettes, and she is very candid about what she goes through and how it makes her feel. So, for the past few weeks I have had pain at night, some joint pain, which I am unsure is CFS related, but now foot pain, which definately is. Since Tuesday evening, this has become constant and is there every minute of every day. I had a nice day out Tuesday with family, but was tired and struggled with the stairs going round Avebury Manor. I also struggled with teaching Pilates that night, which surprised me. Wednesday I woke feeling sick and dizzy and it took me a while to get safely downstairs. The pain in my feet is worse on the right, and if you have ever sprained your ankle, it is reminiscent of that; feeling throbbingly painful, swollen and unstable. It isn't swollen, but it makes me limp, or I find I'm dragging it. So I am back to using my stick more as I am fearful of falling once again. The limp has caused a corn to form on the underside of my left heel, which is sore and makes walking difficult when I don't have one good foot! I am walking but cannot face any other exercise. I have to walk, one to exercise the dog, but also my back will seize if I don't, it is already worse than usual. Oddly, sleep seems to be okay, therefore there is no point going back on the Amitriptyline as that was always to get me to sleep and I would still wake around five or six in pain, when I was having painful episodes, and that is what is happening now. The camomile tea is still getting me off to sleep. Paracetamol and ibuprofen are as helpful as taking a smartie, so I begged a reflexology off of a friend and colleague at work yesterday and had immediate pain relief which lasted into the evening. It's back now but more like pins and needles than pain. The other things that have happened that make me fear this is a bit of a relapse are dark thoughts and speach issues. I generally live alone, though a family member has been staying and my partner visits one a week or so, both of which I am finding difficult. I have to work, being fully self employed, and I have to put on a face for work and make effort; teaching requires thinking and action, massage requires more action than thinking, and hypnotherapy requires more thinking and less action. Thinking can be as fatiguing and physical action. This week, as I mentioned, I have been out with family and went out with my sister and folks for lunch Friday. I made an effort here, and these were enjoyable times. Work was quiet Friday so my effort banks hadn't been too depleted! But after work I sometimes cannot be bothered with people. I will ignore the phone or turn it off sometimes, or give short answers so as not to encourage conversation. I want to be left alone. It's not fair on people, I suppose, but there we are. I am glad when my uncle goes out or isn't at home and I am glad when my partner goes back to his home sometimes. I am questioning now whether a party for my 40th is a good idea, how much it will cost me in energy. Maybe that's why I haven't done anything about finding a venue. Self-harm thoughts are back, I won't do it, but it's interesting to find them flitting through my mind again. And my speach has become slurred in the mornings again, I know this because I tried to sing along to a song yesterday and was a good half a line behind, though in my head I was in time. Previously, speach when the CFS has been bad, has come out as nonsense, it isn't as bad as this but it's not clear speach. I have also felt too sick to eat breakfast a couple of times, and since this is a smoothie and I get a lot of my vitamins from it, that is a problem. It's okay if I am at home, I just have it an hour or two later, but if I have to be somewhere, I notice the lack of it. It's tempting to look for a cause behind this, but I don't think there is one, this is just how this condition goes and I'm sure eventually it will improve again. So there we are.

I might as well jump

Not a threat of suicide, in case you worry. Those of you 'in the know' and old enough, will of course recognise the line from Van Halen, but I refer in fact to a trampette. Not a small tramp, but what is known officially as a rebounder (again, not someone on the rebound from a relationship - I'll stop this now). Much as I love my dance DVD I found I was getting a little bored of it. When I felt able I would do the 10 minute cardio routine, pause for water, then the 10 minute sculpt or stretch, which is a little more low key. There are only six to chose from on the DVD and I don't like one of them. So I dusted off my trusty old trampette and then in a fit of peeked energy, the adrenaline of which clearly spiked a daft idea, dusted off the cross trainer (and dusty it was indeed) that has lain folded under my bed for nigh on two years. It was effort enough getting the darn thing out, cleaning it and hauling it into its upright state, had it not been for the fact it stopped me getting to my bed, I may well have thought sod it, and had a lie down instead. It, like me, has seen better days and creaks and groans. Having that in common, I felt we had an ideal basis to start a beautiful working relationship. Initially, I started with five minutes on the trampette, water break, and two minutes on the cross trainer. Back in the day I used to bound around like a loon to Bon Jovi for about 20-30 minutes, but that was then. During Feb, I managed to up the jumping to 10-15 minutes averaging at 12 minutes with a water-related rest then five minutes on the cross trainer, by which time I look like I might need medical attention. I have to give it a minute or so before I can collapse the thing down and shove it away, and by then my legs have usually forgiven me and kindly agree to have a go at taking me safely downstairs. I do this somewhat faffing but worthwhile routine a couple of times a week. I still walk to work on a Saturday and if I'm not working I do a bit of dance. I am experimenting now with working out what is actual fatigue and what is reduced stamina due to not being able to do so much because of actual fatigue. It's a fine line but I seem to be treading it about right. Last week I attended a Mindfulness workshop and am following a book that takes me through an eight week course of it. It is more tricky than it sounds, but will prove helpful, I feel. The day inspired me to contact our lovely Nutritional Therapist, Claire Stone, to discuss writing a 7-10 day detox. I have always shied away from detoxing as I feared I would have to juice everything and eat raw food for a month and end up murderously miserable, but no, we are going to write a menu plan with proper food and I am looking forward to it. Having succumbed again to the blasted bugs that kind clients keep bringing in for me, I am now sat with a pot of honey, lemon and ginger tea. I am not a fan of honey, but am giving it a go. Manuka honey, no less. I am on my third cup and grimacing less than the first. Tomorrow I am off to a reiki share, cold allowing. The thing I a most proud of is that for most of Feb I did away with Amitriptyline. I now have a cup of camomile and spiced apple tea before bed and that does the trick. The only issue is that the drug clearly masked some physical pain (a hip injury where I was hit by a car, a poor damaged shoulder, and  random joint pain). It's hard to know how much of this is CFS related. I suspect the hip and shoulder not, but I cannot stand to lie on my side with my knees or ankles on top of each other. Therefore, I find I take up some bizarre positionings using all manner of things as props. Still, I generally get a good block of five or six hours of sleep and can mostly doze back off for a bit. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that coming off of Amitriptyline did not, as it has previously, give me very disturbing dreams. Other than a couple of minor 'emotional crashes' involving tears and dark chocolate and a little bit of hypnotherapy, Feb has been quite a good month.