5 of the 7 dwarfs

This week I have been Doc (looking into other means of handling CFS and still using reiki); Happy - though this goes in fits and starts; Grumpy - more often than not, but at least I admit it; Sleepy - no explanation required; and Dopey - forgetting I hooked my feet around the base of the computer chair and then rolling backwards over my foot damaging my big toe quite significantly. This did not help with the Grumpy stakes. If there had been an Angry dwarf, he would had featured too. Likewise Forgetful; left my glasses on the laundry bin and couldn't remember about a minute later where I had left them as well as other silly instances. Still, other than the toe incident, it has been a pain freer week. Insomnia has struck once, the night before I was due to host a garden party and woke up Grumpy wanting to cancel, but Happy was back by the afternoon and all went well. With four small dogs running around - the smallest of which intent on humping my dog at every given opportunity - and a large wolf type dog guarding the gate, one cannot maintain grumpiness, and rightly so. Reflexology doesn't appear to be making a miraculous difference, which is to be expected, but it does seem to help keep the pain at bay and I generally feel generally better. And I think I look better, more like death that has significantly warmed up rather than death that has been sat in a draft for a considerable time. How the toe injury will effect next week's reflex will remain to be seen - perhaps we can work around it. Still, the positive about the toe injury is I get the bed to myself at risk of it getting touched, plus I had to put a pillow at the bottom of the mattress to keep the duvet off my foot so there wouldn't have been room for anyone else and the cat! So, silver linings everywhere if you look at it the right way. And, despite dodgy toe, I managed to swim 10 lengths in 20 minutes today, and hobble round the supermarket at a pace slower than a snail with a very heavy house, but I did it. And that's the main thing.

59 Seconds

I am reading a book titled 59 Seconds by Prof Robert Wiseman. He largely confirms a great deal of what I know about psychology and recommends methods I use in hypnotherapy. However, what he recommends in part are exercises that take 59 seconds including writing down how you feel at that moment in 59 seconds. I recommend journalling or stream of consciousness writing to my clients but have never limited it to 59 seconds. So after the next two positive statements, you will be reading my 59 second experiment. Dad and his wife visited and we managed some family time together without it being too draining. I managed to attend a friend's Improv Night, once again due to my close friends who are fast becoming my personal 'event' taxi service, the night was excellent. Here we go then, my 59 seconds...
Today I had planned to go to the Chalice Well and Glastonbury with two great mates. Unfortunately I had another insomnia night and ended up on the sofa with the dog reading Wodehouse at 3am feeling 'jetlagged'. I am sick of this. There is no light at the end of my tunnel on days like this. I try to be positive but it's hard when I think of all the time I miss out on and experiences by not being able to partake. If this goes on for years, as well it might, I will have effectively sacrificed months of my life to this illness if I add up all the times I missed out on things and that makes me angry, sad, tearful, frustrated and yes, self-pitying.
There.
He's right. I do feel better.

Testing My Reflexes

Week three of reflexology treatments. Had a couple of rough sleep nights at the weekend and consequently had some remiscent pain. Oddly moreso in my left leg and groin rather than in my right lower leg. That has calmed down. Energy generally ok, rest periods still a problem.  Am managing two a day - should be aiming for four. One thing that seems to be working well is doing a 10 minute meditation before going to work on a evening or before going out. Managed to get out on a friend's birthday on Saturday night and got a lift to a fro with my lovely friends again. Went to the second Reiki 1 course day on Sunday, which was well timed as I was feeling rather poo due to severe lack of sleep. It was a great day and I had one of the best night's sleep on Sunday. I continue to reiki daily and have bought a new meditation cd to try. Family are visiting from today and that will be a test - whether I am tempted to overdo it! Will keep you posted.

When you're washing the dishes, wash the dishes

A wise friend of mine quoted the above zen/budhist phrase recently. It essentially means concentrate on what you are doing at that time to the exclusion of other distractions. In this busy society we, particularly women, are expected (either by themselves or others) to multi-task. However, it is much more productive to do one thing at a time. CFS affects my memory so attempting several things at once is not a good idea. Having said that I just listened to Radio 4 whilst doing my work emails (note to self: must try to practice what I preach). Now the radio is off and I am just writing my blog. It is hard to slow yourself down when you are used to charging about. I have had this enforced upon me, which is even harder as it appears to take the element of control away, something that as humans, we do not like to have taken from us. Actually, I can take control and I must learn to do this by that dreadful word 'pacing'. I prefer 'planning'. I am a natural planner. My timesheet did not work very well last week, so instead I am noting high and medium level activities in my diary, which I look at daily, take an overview of the week and attempt to slot rest periods in around it. I'm not sure if that will work any better. Already I have had to change today because a friend I havent seen for a year is visitng me on Thursday. I managed a swim today, the local pool is open again but they had lanes marked off so I couldn't do widths. I did however manage 8 lengths in 20 minutes. The pool is 25m in length, so I am pleased with that.  I went prepared this time with salted cholocate and that helped. Last weekend I managed to help some friends weed my mother's garden on Saturday for a few hours, and I managed to attend the harbour festival on Sunday, stick in hand and keeping a keen eye out for empty benches. I kept urging my friends to go off without me, fearful of making them feel obliged to stay with me, but they said it was nice to sit and do things at a slower pace. And I hope they meant that! I started a six week course of reflexology last Tuesday, and am off there again shortly. I'm not sure what it's doing but I felt good Tuesday and then had a low mood Wednesday, but that could be to do with some news in my personal life I am trying not to worry about. I still reiki daily and meditate and this is proving useful. I have noted that although I think I am not worrying, and my shoulders are less tense and I generally feel calmer and more relaxed, I am grinding my teeth. I keep catching myself do it and it's not something I recall ever doing before. Hmm.

De Ja Vu

I feel I've been here before, probably because I have. The past week I have revisited the rollercoaster ride that is ME/CFS. I am still reiki-ing daily and generally feel calmer and less angry and less frustrated, so that's good. I am still not, however, recognising my limits. At the ME clinic on Tuesday I was told off for making excuses as to why I haven't logged enough rest periods and using low level activity as rest, when it isn't. Well, that told me. I am confusing, it seems, relaxing activity for rest. For example, copying out some poetry for a friend, reading a non-fiction book, writing a notecard to someone, chatting on the phone to my mum, spending time with a friend. All relaxing and enjoyable and all low-medium level activities. I now have to schedule four rest breaks into my day lasting minimum 10 minutes. It sounds easy, but you try it, or maybe you're a natural sloth! Rest periods include having a bath, reading fiction, looking out of the window, not talking, not watching TV, not playing with the dog or cat. Perhaps I am too easily distracted. I can even distract myself without too much effort. My biggest problem is no two days are the same. My life is hard to regulate. Nevertheless, try I must. It took me 45 minutes to walk a 20 minute walk home Friday night and I was in a bit of a state when I finally got here. The dysathesia returned Weds/Thurs. The shiatsu didn't have a positive an effect as usual, however, it is possible it cleared and moved things on - hence the sudden fatigue attack. The good news from that treatment is that she feels the anger is subsiding. So I can at least feel smug about that. Plus, I did manage to get to a birthday party Sat night but had to leave at 9.30pm (I stayed out later as a teen!) because I was driving and had to allow for how tired that makes me. There is no logic to ME and I need to stop trying to find it. Back to the drawing board for a new coping plan. Where's Baldrick when you need him?

Recipe for Success

A week ago I attended the first day of a Reiki level 1 course. Since then I have been reiki-ing myself daily. Sometimes twice daily! I do it in the morning before or after my meditation cd and sometimes I do it before I go to sleep. It is proving helpful. I have more balance in my energy levels. Yesterday I met up with some friends and had a cuppa in the morning. Once the rain had stopped I weeded the front garden along the steps and path, which was handy because I got to sit on the steps and path! After dinner I took the dog out for a little walk without my stick, which was slow progress, but we did it. A Neals Yard Arnica bath came in handy to end the day. Today I cleaned  the house nearly through - I had a bit of help. We went shopping, which made me dizzy but a bit of dark choc helped that. After lunch I made bread - well I put all the stuff in the breadmaker - and made two lasagnes (one soya free for me)  whilst listening to good old Radio 4 and 4 Extra and it was quite relaxing, if a little tiring. Phew! There are things that haven't been done, but I wanted to cook as I can so rarely manage it properly these days. I don't feel I've overdone it. Maybe I have found the recipe for success? Perhaps I am starting to master the evil pacing conflict? Well, time will tell.

Backsliding away

An odd week of disturbed sleep due to pain; right foot as per and a new one feeling like I'd torn a muscle in my right thigh, but I know I haven't. Also a strange fluey temperature changing thing was going on one night, resulting in two hours sleep Tuesday and four hours sleep Wednesday. I am still using the Amitriptyline and topping up with Paracetamol. Today I bought out the slightly larger guns - Solpadol and if this continues will be resorting to the much bigger gun, Diclofenac. When this happened a couple of weeks ago I was getting a bit stressy about the work going on in the house, but I am not stressed now. I am frustrated as there is no explanation for this, and I do like a good explanation, I'd frankly settle for a bad explanation. I kind of feel like I'm backsliding after feeling I understood ME a bit more. It is a tricky beast. So, new plan tonight: arnica bath, whisky, drugs, bed.