Everything in Moderation

Still on the old chestnut of pacing, or rather learning the best actvity/rest combo. It is a little bit like finding your way through a maze; confident the solution lies ahead, you plough on only to find a dead end. I am still keeping my morning routine of meditation, reiki, Five Tibetans. I am more used to the Five now and am managing 12 reps of most of the Five Rites (postures). I even kept this routine when I was away recently. So, that bit's okay then. It is still taking me a long time to wake up and part of the trouble is the Amitrityline 'hangover'. I experimented recently with not taking it at the weekend and there was no pain and sleep was about the same. So, I am going to try to take them during the week and leave them off Friday and Saturday night,especially since (touch wood) I have not had an insomnia periods for several weeks now. I am still struggling with pacing. Unexpected things get in the way or tasks just take longer than expected. I notice I am getting tense in  my shoulders again, and the teeth grinding is back. Some days I feel I have too much on, when it is just a few little things, but of course they all add up and take their toll. I am still listing things in my diary in favour of writing a schedule. I'm not sure this is any better. I am also still list writing as I am fearful of forgetting things, and I know I do forget. The Tai Chi provided through the CFS clinic is still proving surprisingly challenging and I have to keep sitting down. But then it is on my worst day for activity, being a Wednesday when I teach three classes during the day. Still, at least I recognise the need to sit down and don't just carry on pushing myself (1 lesson learned then!). I also took some peanuts and ate them in the car before driving home, and that felt better. I hope to buy some salted chocolate this weekend as a couple of squares of this proved very helpful after swimming. I have been reading Overcoming Chronic Fatigue, a book that uses CBT techniques. I am due to embark on the exercises. I'll start next week, when I have more time....!

Five Tibetans

Since last posting I have had four pieces of good news. I have finally gained my level 4 Pilates specialty qualification and I'm glad I decided to make the effort to complete it. It was worth the extra energy it took. It also made me realise how tense I had been while waiting for the news as the sense of relief I felt was monumental. The second piece of good news was winning a short story competition. I find writing relaxing, whether a note or a letter or a story. It's nice to sit in the summerhouse and do it while the weather is still warm enough to do so. My six weeks of reflexolgy has finished and I think it has helped, particularly with the pain. I still take the Amitrityline 10mg at night - and touch wood have not had any insomnia epsisodes for nearly three weeks - but that is now less about pain management and more about regulating my sleep. Overall I have to say I feel about 10% better, which is good. The other interesting thing is swimming. I went to the local pool where I can only do lengths and this time managed 12 lengths in 22 minutes. I was pleased to notice my right leg was keener to be involved that previously. It wasn't quite kicking all the way along but did make an effort and it's less like hauling a piece of driftwood behind me, which is nice. I have received a letter from the CFS/ME clinic and start my Tai Chi class next Wednesday. It's not the best of days for me as I teach three classes on a Weds andwill  have also worked Monday day and taught Monday and Tuesday evenings. I will forego the Tuesday swim and conserve energy for Tai Chi. The last bit of good news is the Five Tibetans. I was put on to them by a colleague. I don't mean I have five small Tibetans carrying me about - although that might be interesting - it is a set of re-energising exercises. The full name is Five Tibetan Rites. It consist of five exercises - that are not too dissimilar to some Pilates - that take about five minutes. I can't quite do all 12 reps of all five exercises, but I do what I can and it does give me a lift! So, less doom and gloom and more bloom this week then.

Rest is Best

Things have a habit of getting in the way. I cannot schedule my life and I tried doing it to a timetable but it doesn't work and makes me frustrated. The only rest I am managing to guarantee myself is the 10 minute meditation before I go out to work or a social event. Yesterday I was really tired, and Wednesdays are my busiest day, so it's not a good day to start of being tired with. For some reason, I did not reiki myself before I got up, the day went to pot with everything taking longer than it should and my first rest period coming at 5pm. I was frazzled, upity and tearful by then. I lay on the bed and did some reiki and felt much better. That just goes to show the difference it makes. Last night I took an extra half of Amitryptiline as I know if I am overtired I will not sleep. Today I have rested sat in the sun in the garden. I have cancelled the cat's vet appointment to next Thursday (it's only a booster jab) as I am working 4.30-8.30pm and don't want to rush about this afternoon. I will take the dog out soon then will rest again and do a meditation before work. That's three out of four. Which isn't bad. But it still isn't good enough. So, I will write on my own report card: Must Try Harder.

5 of the 7 dwarfs

This week I have been Doc (looking into other means of handling CFS and still using reiki); Happy - though this goes in fits and starts; Grumpy - more often than not, but at least I admit it; Sleepy - no explanation required; and Dopey - forgetting I hooked my feet around the base of the computer chair and then rolling backwards over my foot damaging my big toe quite significantly. This did not help with the Grumpy stakes. If there had been an Angry dwarf, he would had featured too. Likewise Forgetful; left my glasses on the laundry bin and couldn't remember about a minute later where I had left them as well as other silly instances. Still, other than the toe incident, it has been a pain freer week. Insomnia has struck once, the night before I was due to host a garden party and woke up Grumpy wanting to cancel, but Happy was back by the afternoon and all went well. With four small dogs running around - the smallest of which intent on humping my dog at every given opportunity - and a large wolf type dog guarding the gate, one cannot maintain grumpiness, and rightly so. Reflexology doesn't appear to be making a miraculous difference, which is to be expected, but it does seem to help keep the pain at bay and I generally feel generally better. And I think I look better, more like death that has significantly warmed up rather than death that has been sat in a draft for a considerable time. How the toe injury will effect next week's reflex will remain to be seen - perhaps we can work around it. Still, the positive about the toe injury is I get the bed to myself at risk of it getting touched, plus I had to put a pillow at the bottom of the mattress to keep the duvet off my foot so there wouldn't have been room for anyone else and the cat! So, silver linings everywhere if you look at it the right way. And, despite dodgy toe, I managed to swim 10 lengths in 20 minutes today, and hobble round the supermarket at a pace slower than a snail with a very heavy house, but I did it. And that's the main thing.

59 Seconds

I am reading a book titled 59 Seconds by Prof Robert Wiseman. He largely confirms a great deal of what I know about psychology and recommends methods I use in hypnotherapy. However, what he recommends in part are exercises that take 59 seconds including writing down how you feel at that moment in 59 seconds. I recommend journalling or stream of consciousness writing to my clients but have never limited it to 59 seconds. So after the next two positive statements, you will be reading my 59 second experiment. Dad and his wife visited and we managed some family time together without it being too draining. I managed to attend a friend's Improv Night, once again due to my close friends who are fast becoming my personal 'event' taxi service, the night was excellent. Here we go then, my 59 seconds...
Today I had planned to go to the Chalice Well and Glastonbury with two great mates. Unfortunately I had another insomnia night and ended up on the sofa with the dog reading Wodehouse at 3am feeling 'jetlagged'. I am sick of this. There is no light at the end of my tunnel on days like this. I try to be positive but it's hard when I think of all the time I miss out on and experiences by not being able to partake. If this goes on for years, as well it might, I will have effectively sacrificed months of my life to this illness if I add up all the times I missed out on things and that makes me angry, sad, tearful, frustrated and yes, self-pitying.
There.
He's right. I do feel better.

Testing My Reflexes

Week three of reflexology treatments. Had a couple of rough sleep nights at the weekend and consequently had some remiscent pain. Oddly moreso in my left leg and groin rather than in my right lower leg. That has calmed down. Energy generally ok, rest periods still a problem.  Am managing two a day - should be aiming for four. One thing that seems to be working well is doing a 10 minute meditation before going to work on a evening or before going out. Managed to get out on a friend's birthday on Saturday night and got a lift to a fro with my lovely friends again. Went to the second Reiki 1 course day on Sunday, which was well timed as I was feeling rather poo due to severe lack of sleep. It was a great day and I had one of the best night's sleep on Sunday. I continue to reiki daily and have bought a new meditation cd to try. Family are visiting from today and that will be a test - whether I am tempted to overdo it! Will keep you posted.

When you're washing the dishes, wash the dishes

A wise friend of mine quoted the above zen/budhist phrase recently. It essentially means concentrate on what you are doing at that time to the exclusion of other distractions. In this busy society we, particularly women, are expected (either by themselves or others) to multi-task. However, it is much more productive to do one thing at a time. CFS affects my memory so attempting several things at once is not a good idea. Having said that I just listened to Radio 4 whilst doing my work emails (note to self: must try to practice what I preach). Now the radio is off and I am just writing my blog. It is hard to slow yourself down when you are used to charging about. I have had this enforced upon me, which is even harder as it appears to take the element of control away, something that as humans, we do not like to have taken from us. Actually, I can take control and I must learn to do this by that dreadful word 'pacing'. I prefer 'planning'. I am a natural planner. My timesheet did not work very well last week, so instead I am noting high and medium level activities in my diary, which I look at daily, take an overview of the week and attempt to slot rest periods in around it. I'm not sure if that will work any better. Already I have had to change today because a friend I havent seen for a year is visitng me on Thursday. I managed a swim today, the local pool is open again but they had lanes marked off so I couldn't do widths. I did however manage 8 lengths in 20 minutes. The pool is 25m in length, so I am pleased with that.  I went prepared this time with salted cholocate and that helped. Last weekend I managed to help some friends weed my mother's garden on Saturday for a few hours, and I managed to attend the harbour festival on Sunday, stick in hand and keeping a keen eye out for empty benches. I kept urging my friends to go off without me, fearful of making them feel obliged to stay with me, but they said it was nice to sit and do things at a slower pace. And I hope they meant that! I started a six week course of reflexology last Tuesday, and am off there again shortly. I'm not sure what it's doing but I felt good Tuesday and then had a low mood Wednesday, but that could be to do with some news in my personal life I am trying not to worry about. I still reiki daily and meditate and this is proving useful. I have noted that although I think I am not worrying, and my shoulders are less tense and I generally feel calmer and more relaxed, I am grinding my teeth. I keep catching myself do it and it's not something I recall ever doing before. Hmm.